go.love.ya.self
cuz you're the one you're with
I like to write; sometimes I imagine that I write well; I find it relatively easy to put my life’s stories to paper; but one thing I’m not, at least not yet, is a poet. I wish I were, or am going to be sometime in the future, because when I am I would like to write poetry like the one that follows, written by a friend who had a profound influence on my life when I needed exactly that. The other day, I was looking through some old journals and out it fell, like a gift I had forgotten…this amazing poem from my friend. This poem evokes such powerful feelings from deep inside my center, I just have to share it……
I am a writer
I do not do windows
Or sweep away my truth
With a red pen
I am the moth
Sacrificed
By the flame of my own story
I am the hummingbird
That sucks the nectar of my joy
I am an eagle
Talons tearing apart the lie
That those who nest on experience
Cannot soar
I am a writer
I do not do spelling
Or sweep away my truth under the rug of rules
I am a cat in heat
Rubbing against the leg of the world
Howling my message on the wind
I am the panther
Stalking fresh stories in my flesh
I am the haunting sound of my coven
Dancing naked under the new moon
I am no virgin
No victim
I am you
Patricia A. Korol
I am a writer
I do not do
Or sweep away my truth
With a red pen
I am the moth
Sacrificed
By the flame of my own story
I am the hummingbird
That sucks the nectar of my joy
I am an eagle
Talons tearing apart the lie
That those who nest on experience
Cannot soar
I am a writer
I do not do spelling
Or sweep away my truth under the rug of rules
I am a cat in heat
Rubbing against the leg of the world
Howling my message on the wind
I am the panther
Stalking fresh stories in my flesh
I am the haunting sound of my coven
Dancing naked under the new moon
I am no virgin
No victim
I am you
Patricia A. Korol
With a red pen
I am the moth
Sacrificed
By the flame of my own story
I am the hummingbird
That sucks the nectar of my joy
I am an eagle
Talons tearing apart the lie
That those who nest on experience
Cannot soar
I am a writer
I do not do spelling
Or sweep away my truth under the rug of rules
I am a cat in heat
Rubbing against the leg of the world
Howling my message on the wind
I am the panther
Stalking fresh stories in my flesh
I am the haunting sound of my coven
Dancing naked under the new moon
I am no virgin
No victim
I am you
Patricia A. Korol
Have you ever lost something important? A wallet. A credit card. A passport. There’s immediate disbelief. You start going through your pockets, everything near you. You check and check again. Then you feel panic. You try to calm yourself so you can think, “when did I last see it?” You think things…
We are all a product of our family of origin, and whatever burdens we have had to bear, whatever struggles and demons we’ve wrestled with, the truth is that they are carried with us throughout our lives. We like to think that we conquer our dysfunctions, or slay our dragons, but in reality the best and most brilliant that we can hope for, strive for actually, is to own completely who we are and what makes us tick. There is no good or bad; there is no right or wrong way to be; there is just us…you…me. There is balance; the yin and yang of being; the dark and light of the self. It has to be that way; there is no other way. Pema Chodron, a Buddhist monk, said that we should not “suffer in our suffering”. Acceptance…..then choices….then freedom from the things that pull us down, drag us out into the deep water, drown us in fear. There’s not much to be gained from agonizing over all of the reasons why we do the things we do; it could easily take forever and a lifetime to figure that out. And it makes even less sense to make poor life choices and then blame them on the demons inside as though they are a separate entity; out of our control. Easier then, to accept where we’ve been, where and who we are, and then make a choice…in each moment, about who we’d like to be, and where we’d like to go next.
No matter what your situation in life, the key to moving forward and beyond, is to accept that, yes, this is you; this is who you are, this is what you do-what you’ve done, this is how you feel, and here’s why. But no matter what self-defeating, self-destructive thing you have chosen in the past…in this moment, you have the option to wrap your own arms around the things that torment you on the deepest level of your existence, to courageously hold them close and say, “yes, I embrace you…you are me…I honor you…and I own you; you do not own me”. Only then are you free to move forward in your life with the knowledge that you are truly the captain of your soul, and the master of your own fate. So ponder this…..
“You need only claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. When you truly possess all that you have been and done, which may take some time, you are fierce with reality”. Florida Scott-Maxwell
Let’s be ”fierce with reality”, because no matter where we go in life; no matter the situation, the circumstances, or the people around us; we are still us…you…me. Life continues to challenge each of us with endless opportunities to recognize the parts of ourselves that we need to acknowledge, but not let run our show. It’s a powerful and empowering experience to feel a familiar response welling up from the deep, to see it out of the corner of our eye, lurking in the shadows, waiting for our permission to take over; and then to say, “hey, I see you; I remember you; and I embrace you…but you’re not driving this bus”…….
I was going through my wallet the other day and discovered that I had 5 lottery tickets stuffed amid the chaos in the interior folds. Now, I’m not a big lottery ticket buyer, but every once in awhile I’ll get that whim and dash into the convenience store to get a ticket. I always like to buy the “Lucky for Life”; I like the name….”Lucky for Life”; it sounds so upbeat and positive (unlike “Powerball” which sounds like a James Bond movie; too aggressive; almost violent). Then at some point, weeks after the drawing, I’ll take the ticket to the store and run it under the ticket reader to see if I’ve won anything. But this night, after finding so many old tickets, I decided to go online and check the numbers. And when I entered the numbers from the “Lucky for Life” ticket, the screen lit up and told me that I was a winner! I had 3 numbers and won $50!! Wow! I was a winner!! Really? Was I really? This was so exciting! The next day I took the ticket to the store and watched nervously as the clerk at the register entered the numbers into his computer. His computer announced, out loud,….”congratulations, you are a winner!!”. Oh my! To hear it said….”you are a winner!!!!” I felt like a kid at the carnival! I felt excited; positive; energized. I suddenly remembered that everything is possible! I won!! I really won! $50 today; $50 million tomorrow! Why not?! I clapped my hands and said…”that’s right! I am a winner! I won!” I collected my $50 and spent $5 on more tickets. Meanwhile, there was a woman next to me who was purchasing her tickets, and as the clerk handed them to her, she looked over at me and said with a downtrodden tone…”like I’ll ever win”. And so I said to her…”don’t say that! Why won’t you win? Why do you think you won’t win? Someone wins; people win all the time, so it may as well be you….why not you?” WHY NOT?! She smiled and said that she never wins anything………
I left the store wondering… why is it that we are often way too willing to take on the negative things that can and do happen; like believing that we’ll get cancer; or die young; or lose our good health; or be left by a loved one; get fired from our job;that we’ll never win; or whatever other doomsday thing we can embrace? Why do we choose to believe that good things happen to others, but not us? And if something great does happen, we think that we don’t deserve it; that we’ll have to pay for it somehow, or that we’ll ultimately lose it. Conversely, when bad things do happen… if we get cancer, or fired, or divorced, we’ll either say “why me? What have I done to deserve this?”, or “I knew this would happen someday”, as though it was a sure thing all along?
Clearly, what we believe to be good things, and what we see as bad things, do happen; and not just to some people, but to everyone; because there are no “good” or “bad” things; there’s just life, and no one deserves more, or less; actually we deserve, and get, everything, if we want it; sometimes when we don’t. And there is a lot of random occurrence. But here’s the thing that makes a difference…what do you want to have happen in your life? What do you believe can happen? What do you think about? Because I believe that, to a great degree, we get what we think about; and if we believe in it, whether we see it as bad or good, we can manifest into our reality. The more powerfully we feel about it, the more likely we are to manifest it. The mind is a powerful creator, and we can create much of our reality with our thoughts. And, of course there are some things that happen that we have absolutely no control over; we didn’t think them into being. But so much of what does happen in our own lives starts with a thought, moves to a belief, then, eventually, manifests in our reality. Perhaps it’s because, once we believe, we begin to make choices to support our belief; we support our belief by having similar, supporting thoughts, make more choices, and continue in the direction of manifestation.
So, be careful, or rather, be clear in what you wish for, think about, and believe in; right down to the details; because your thoughts are powerful. And then go right ahead and think about the things that you believe are good. Believe that you can win; or find true love; live a long, healthy life; be wealthy; be famous; love unconditionally; that you can change the world. Because you can. And remember that, it’s not that anything is possible; it’s that everything is possible; what you believe to be good, and what you believe to be bad. So, given the choice, why not believe in the good; why not believe in the positive; and while you’re at it, why not pay a little of it forward. Why not good? Why not you? Why not?
I heard a story about a woman who, after years of marriage to her emotionally abusive, alcoholic, drug abusing husband, gave him a sleeping pill instead of the requested medication for his chronic back pain, and went to meet her new lover at a motel. This was the first time that she had ever ventured outside of her marriage to fulfill her need for the love and affection that was lacking for so long with her husband. She had a night of life-affirming passion, and returned home in the morning to find her husband still asleep, never knowing that she had left. She felt renewed and guiltless; she did what she had to do to preserve herself, to feed herself, to nurture herself. And in spite of the outrageousness of her choice, it was the choice for her to make at the time; a choice that she could make.
I used to see a wonderful therapist named Mary. I began my journey with her when I was going through some really painful relationship chaos; my sessions with her were all about my pain and suffering; my feeling victimized by my partner; how could he treat me this way after everything I had done for him? And Mary would listen; she would validate my suffering; and then she would say these words…”choose again”. She would tell me that, whenever I was ready; whenever I had had enough of my own suffering, I could simply choose again. Often I would come home from work and hear Mary’s voice on my answering machine saying…”Hi, this is Mary just calling to remind you that you can choose again”.
So that’s what this is about, choices; making choices, and how we can choose again whenever we want. And choosing again involves being open to understanding what we need our current situation for; what purpose does it serve for us to hold onto feeling victimized by the actions of others? What is the payoff? Feeling victimized and suffering in our pain often serves the purpose of keeping us from venturing out of our comfort zone and onto the path of self-actualization. It can be very scary to take charge of our own happiness; to hold no one else accountable but ourselves. And making choices in our favor also requires not choosing other things; the things that hurt; the things that are painful; the things that keep us stuck. This is the essence of true empowerment; once we embrace it, we can simply choose a different path, a new direction. We can choose ourselves.
I pass no judgement on the woman who slipped her husband a micky. I don’t think it’s a practice that should become the norm, but I see her choice as a self-preserving, bold, and brazen step in the direction of empowering herself to choose a new path on the journey of her life. Her choice opened a doorway for her to step through; to experience a feeling of control over her own destiny, and to support her in her ability to choose herself again….and again…. in the future.
No matter where you are in your own journey, you can change the course you are on by choosing something else. Suffering is optional, and, whenever you feel ready, you can simply choose again.
Thanks Mary.
When I go to a good restaurant I notice everything…the lighting, the tablecloths, napkins, silverware. I notice the aromas, the servers and how they’re dressed; whether there are cobwebs in the corners. When I view the menu, I want it to be descriptive, yet easy to understand. I want the experience of reading through the menu items, which usually makes my hungrier than I already am, and desirous of what the restaurant has to offer. The appetizer has to be just enough to whet my appetite; the entree must be not only filling (after all, I didn’t come here just because I’m hungry), but delicious and satisfying. And I always leave room for dessert; dessert for me is the last, sweet compliment to the meal. And if something goes wrong with my order, I let the server know, and send it back if it isn’t right.
I woke this morning thinking about something a friend said to me the other day. She said “well, I don’t always need to have an orgasm; just being intimate is sometimes what’s really important, and as long as my partner has an orgasm, I’m OK with that”. Really? Hmmm. Now, I can understand that being intimate is indeed important; but I also believe that having orgasms is important as well; the orgasm is the “climax” of the intimacy, isn’t it? I believe that some women regularly go “orgasm-less” and make that OK. I’ve done it myself. There’s also the faking of orgasm, but that’s a different situation; it doesn’t necessarily mean there is no orgasm on the horizon, maybe it just won’t happen until your lover is asleep or has left the room! And sure, I suppose there are certain circumstances when an orgasm isn’t such a big deal, but frankly I’m having a tough time thinking of exactly what they are. The kind of no-orgasm situation I’m talking about here is the one where your lover either doesn’t make an effort to please you; or you feel too embarrassed, or demanding, or whatever, to ask for what pleases you. I know that most of us women were never really taught how to ask for what we want; or how to complain proactively but effectively when what we’ve gotten isn’t right. Here’s my suggestion…if you’re nowhere near telling your lover what pleases you, then the next time you are at a restaurant, if something isn’t right, I want you to tell the server, or the manager, what is wrong and then ask for what you would like. If you’re already able to do this without difficulty, then the next time you’re having sex and you want your lover to do something to please you; or if you know, once again, that you just aren’t going to have an orgasm (and you should want one, because they’re fabulous!), but you know what your lover could do to get you there,….make believe you’re at the restaurant, and ask for what you want; lovingly, positively, clearly. Ask for what you want; ask for the thing that will really please you; and feel confident in the asking, because you’re not asking for too much; you’re asking for exactly what your lover expects without question.
You are an amazing, beautiful woman, and you deserve all of the pleasure that life has to offer you. You can certainly make sure that you give it to yourself all of the time, and telling your lover what pleases you is, after all, still really you loving you. Bon appetit!
